Like many of you, my points of destination have been severely curtailed over the past year. I have been corralled into what can only be described as "The Covid Quadrilateral" of Home--Work--Grocery Store-- and McDonald's Drive-Thru. I recently broke (briefly) out of this blackhole to attend an instrumental concert hosted at a delightful country church.
One of the many fun crippling quirks that have emerged, full-force, from this imposed quarantine, is my heightened flight/fight/or freeze responses. When I am not safely ensconced in one of my four sanctioned, Quadrilateral Corners, I have difficulty making eye contact, maintaining a conversation, or reducing my heart beat rate to under 1,000 beats per second. Super fun being around me.
Fortunately, my favorite seat in church has always been the closest one to the exit so Brad planted me there while he was occupied with concert business. When I got tired of feeling my heart beat out of my chest, I considered scratching all of the flesh from my body before compromising by reciting the Ten Commandments forwards and backwards a million times. That done, I studiously avoided any possible eye contact with others by diligently staring at the walls. That, of course, is where the trouble (and border-line blasphemy) began.
First I looked for, and was pleased to find, what I like to call "Jesus's Senior Picture" near the front of the church. Profile, of course. Speculative. Serious. Contemplative. Makes one wonder what His Senior Quote would be:
Am I a just a yoke to you? Friend me? or maybe
I have more followers than Twitter?
Reassured, I continued my perusal and hit pay dirt. Jesus shimmying over the water, all casual, like He's on His way to a fast food restroom in the middle of a road trip but doesn't plan to make a purchase...but, of course, He would...because He's, like, Jesus and all. In my mind, I drew a paddle board under Him but then realized that that was just silly. What could possibly be MORE bad ass than waltzing across the water? (For more on that particular subject: Read the bible.)
Pleased that I hadn't yet passed out, run away, or been struck by lightning, I resumed my search and was soon startled by the unexpected presence of a former president peeking at me from a wall of brochures. President Obama didn't actually strike me as an aggressive "Come to Jesus" sort of guy but who really knows what's in a man's heart?
One of the HUGE drawbacks of my now stuttering social condition is that it is difficult for me to share my (self-declared) witty observations and sarcastic remarks with those around me. Sadly, no one in the audience was able to delight in my giddy amusement during the concert. Poor honeys...this particular comedic commentary was even underscored by an instrumental soundtrack!
The concert concluded, I hit the doors like a racehorse out of the starting gate. Dragging the fresh, cool air into my near-panicked lungs, I congratulated myself on this great social success. I had, for a moment, escaped the clutches of "The Covid Quadrilateral" and hadn't perished. I was still on the map...showing up on radar. Obviously, I still had a ways to go to get back to land. That I preferred an empty parking lot to a room full of concert concessions tells you that I need a bit more practice.
As I waited for Brad to emerge (sending up a quick prayer that he would grab me a cookie), I was granted one more giggle. As I leaned against my locked van, I glanced at the peaceful cemetery behind the church. I felt my forehead furrow as I read the sign leading to it. The restrictions listed would seem to cause quite a conundrum for prospective inhabitants. Can you dig it?
