Wyoming's Apple "Fun"-kin Festival

            My anti-dusting stance has recently infiltrated my discriminatory shopping selections as I now actively abstain from purchasing “knick-knacks.” I also shy away from areas with randomly milling crowds as I tend to respond by flapping my hands furiously and breathing like Darth Vader to postpone the inevitable claustrophobic panic attack.  And bees...?  They must “comb” the airwaves for the latest “buzz” on Apple-Umpkin because those flying missiles are always there.  So, given that she can’t handle crowds, collectables, or creepy, crawly bugs, one might wonder why Amy Mosiman would voluntarily attend the annual Apple-Umpkin Festival in Wyoming.  Ok, I admit it.  Apple-Umpkin is fun and, after its over-twenty year reign, the event ushers in the season of autumn as effectively as a flock of honking geese.

            I attended this year’s festival in the company of six teen-agers.  I tell you this so that you will feel sorry for me right away.  Upon arrival, we were offered a free kitten to off-set the five dollar parking fee.  Generous as this promotion seemed, we gently declined the non-declawed feline and proceeded to browse Main Street, Wyoming.  Many teens lack a filter, particularly my friend, Meghan, who felt compelled to shout out prices at the top of her lungs in an outraged tone.  This is the same girl, by the way, who later inadvertently slapped a toddler out of his stroller.  There were many unique crafts on exhibit including recycled spoons made into decorative jewelry and glass soda bottles stretched into one-of-a-kind art pieces certain to rocket in value upon purchase.  We stood dumb-founded in front of the magic towel holder and watched with jealousy as people walked by us wielding giant foam bows and arrows. 

            The Wyoming Village Reception Hall hosted an antique show where I discovered a collection of small gnome figurines.  I know this breaks my new “knick-knack” rule but I have been spending the last few months terrorizing my dear friend Deb by sneaking suspicious items into her flowerbed.  The collection of used baby shoes that mysteriously appeared a few months ago almost drove her insane.  Her Google research led her to believe that she might be the victim of a voo doo curse so I felt it was time to up the ante and what could be more frightening than a gnome?  Four dollars a pop seemed a tad excessive but Meghan came through as she pointed out one with a chip on his nose.  “You should be able to get a deal on that one,” she said encouragingly.  I marched up to the vendor with my two dollars and showed him the flaw.  He inspected the gnome as though it were the Hope Diamond, shaking his head, and replying, “I couldn’t possibly.  I can’t even abide with the idea selling the set by piece.”  I felt terrible to be responsible for splitting up the gnome family but I had a voo doo curse to perform so I countered by offering another dollar.  The vendor looked painfully offended but said he had mouths to feed at home and so accepted my ludicrous deal.  Meghan’s boyfriend, Clay, bought barbeque sauce for the same price and tried bragging that his enjoyment would supersede mine, dollar for dollar.  Obviously, his youth clouds his judgment when it has to do with garden stalking and the mental manipulation of your closest friends. 

            Sitting on the spacious side porch of the art gallery adjoining the Hall, our group watched in rapt fascination and horror as black walnuts plummeted from the trees onto the parked cars below.  Whoomp!  A small sign invited musicians to enjoy the porch as a practice area so I led my group in a rousing rendition of Tanya Tucker’s, “There’s a tree…out in the backyard.”  Alright, you guessed it; I sang a lonely solo which was punctuated perfectly by percussion-based “whoomps!”   I also received no pity regarding my bee sting because “it didn’t leave a mark.”  We completed our Apple-Umpkin fun with samples of caramel-apple pie fudge and fresh-squeezed “diet” lemonade.  Not all accidents result in innovative inventions.  Penicillin and gun powder may be the exceptions because the inadvertent lack of sugar in my lemonade did nothing but leave a sour taste in my mouth.  Fortunately, the heat of that warm September day had everyone in my group begging for a sip and the look on their faces made the purchase completely worth it.   So if the traffic, the crowds, the bees, and the search for collectable treasures puts a sour look on your face, take heart.  Four free kittens found a home on Sunday and as a result, five dollar parking looked like the deal of a century!  It’s all about perspective.  

as published in Warsaw's Country Courier

http://www.mywnynews.com/arcade_warsaw/

A License to Drive (your daughter crazy) Part II

            When last we left off, Savannah had meritoriously earned her New York State driver’s permit and was eagerly anticipating the many hours of practice time required to achieve full driving status.  Naturally, the sixteen-year-old was enthusiastic about learning to master the intricacies of the standard transmission; so much so, in fact, that her death grip on the stick shift resulted in the decapitation of the ball. 

The key to the successful acquisition of knowledge is directly proportional to the consistency of teaching.  I initially began teaching Savannah to drive until, upon observing her father’s rather unconventional driving style, she inquired as to why he was stopping at the stop sign at the end of our seasonal road.  “You stop at all stop signs,” he replied firmly, watching the play of doubt cross her face.  Her fate was sealed as he watched her slide the truck into neutral approaching another one of those pesky stop signs.  “Why aren’t you downshifting,” he inquired.  “Down…what,” she questioned before taking her father on as her full-time driving instructor, leaving me unceremoniously in the dust.

I was, however, given the honor of taking Savannah to her road test.  “Do you think you can handle this,” Brad asked, “I can take off work if you need me to.”  I admit I reacted a tad testily.  “It’s not rocket science, for Pete’s sake,” I snapped, “people do this every day.  I’m pretty sure I can get her to her driver’s test on time.” 

I blame the Department of Motor Vehicles.  I called multiple times to ensure that I’d dotted the T’s and crossed the I’s.  I had certificates, testimonials, recommendations, and immunity records.  Did I mention that I called more than once?  So there we are, parked in line near the Warsaw monument, watching the poor saps ahead of us jerk their vehicles awkwardly onto the road and weave unsteadily towards the school.  The brave man giving the test approached each parent prior to the test to ask something and suddenly, my heart sank into my shoes.  I bolted from our truck and raced over to him, interrupting his conversation to ask if it were necessary for me to have my license.   Incredulous, he assured me that it was customary for New York State certified drivers to always carry their licenses when operating a motor vehicle.  He glanced around, perhaps for a hidden camera, as I responded in pure panic. 

It’s one thing for my kid to fail her driver’s test herself but, by golly, I would not allow myself to be single-handedly responsible for screwing up such an important day for my daughter.  I burst into tears on the sidewalk while Savannah sank down so far on the truck seat that her knees brushed the floor.  Needless to say, the Department of Motor Vehicles hires angels.  This very nice man explained that if I could retrieve my license in the next twenty-two minutes, he would still allow Savannah to take her test that day.  I could hear Savannah’s moan of despair (or perhaps disgust) coming from the open window of our Ranger as she quickly calculated the distance from Warsaw to our house and back. Tears steaming down my face, I leaped into our truck and drove in the swiftest and most law-abiding fashion possible, obeying each stop sign, taking note of every single double line, and not using my horn at all.  I apologized to Savannah every quarter mile of that trip but for some reason, she didn’t seem at all surprised by the turn of events.  “It’s okay, Mom,” she said, clutching her seat like a baby monkey as I rounded a corner at a sedately comfortable speed. 

Long story short…she passed the test!  We didn’t know it then but that event was more than just a driver’s test.  It was, for Savannah, yet another lesson in performing under more than the usual stressful conditions.  It wasn’t enough that she had to take her test using a stick shift.  She had to take her test with a stick AND an unstable mother who somehow managed to get her daughter to the start line with two minutes to spare.  It wasn’t until two weeks ago that the real reward of that day showed itself as Savannah was working, hauling in salmon nets in Alaska when the boat she was on got stuck sideways in the shallows.  Surveying the mess, the foreman addressed his small crew.  “Who’s going to grab the tractor to get us out, “he asked.  When no one answered, he spoke again.  “Can’t any of you drive a stick?”  The lone girl on the boat slowly raised her hand.  Turns out that every day is a test and thank goodness, Savannah was more than prepared.

as published in Warsaw's Country Courier

http://www.mywnynews.com/arcade_warsaw/

A License to Drive (your mother crazy) Part I

     Sometimes it feels as though you spend your whole life waiting to turn sixteen.  To call it a milestone is an exercise in understatement and irony.  Naturally, the Mosiman family refuses to follow the “Leave it to Beaver” or “Brady Bunch” script.  Our improvisational Sweet Sixteen skit looks more like “Rocky Horror” than “Happy Days.”  When our eldest daughter, Savannah, turned sixteen two years ago, I never imagined that she would undergo an ideological, theological, and philosophical transformation regarding the Holy Grail of that age:  the acquisition of the long-sought-after, most-coveted driver’s license.  Savannah suddenly displayed the utmost admiration for the Amish’s timeless mode of transportation.  Her favorite movie became “Driving Miss Daisy.”  She even began avoiding the bumper cars at the amusement park.  As wise parents, we gave her some space to adjust to the idea of getting a permit.  After awhile though, we began employing the time-honored methods of encouragement found in any respectable parent’s arsenal:  we coaxed, bribed, threatened, and mocked.  “I don’t care WHAT all the other kids are doing,” she replied loftily, “Furthermore, are you aware of the rising cost of gasoline?  Not to mention car insurance?  It is much more cost effective to remain a passenger.” 

            Fortunately, very few witnesses were present to watch me drag my stunned and screaming daughter across the parking lot (I positioned my truck next to Ace Hardware to lull her into a sense of tranquility, shattered almost immediately as I began herding her towards the Wyoming County DMV).  Her vocabulary is much more loquacious than I had been aware up to this point.  As the Department of Motor Vehicles does not sport restraints on their chairs, I physically barred the door with my body while victoriously pulling our number (which by the way, is now in her baby book).  To my delight, a fellow classmate of Savannah’s was in the painful process of taking his permit test, gritting his teeth, murmuring words or perhaps ritualistic chants, and gnawing at the end of his pencil while answering important drive-related questions as: Assuming that the humidity levels are approximately 80%, the winds are coming from the east at 7 miles per hour, and road surface conditions are dry, when approaching an intersection geometrically comprised of right-angles which is not determined by New York State authorized traffic signs at the same time as another driver, to whom is the right of way presented?  We watched as this young man was presented with his hard-earned driver’s permit and I sat with unrestrained pride as my own daughter answered impossible-to-comprehend questions to also receive her own right-to-the-road.  This, after she argued with the very patient DMV employee who, up until that point, thought I was the most heartless mother on the planet.  When Savannah insisted that the answer she’d supposedly missed was an outlier, the DMV service personnel quickly changed alliances and began finding me much funnier than when I first attempted to woo her with my witticism. 

            As we exited the Department of Motor Vehicles, I was so excited by my victory that I was momentarily lulled into a false sense of complacency.  I realized, belatedly, that my choice of parking spots may have been foolhardy as Savannah abruptly sprinted off.  Knowing that there was no way I could overtake her, I trudged across the pavement, opened the driver’s side door, gripped the steering wheel in frustration, and headed towards the exit.  “Where to, Miss Daisy?” I growled to my grinning daughter.

as published in Warsaw's Country Courier

http://www.mywnynews.com/arcade_warsaw/