She passed the test

In the list of events not likely to EVER happen including the successful reception of a McDonald's veggie burger, the introduction of a tasty zero-calorie alcoholic beverage, the scientific discovery of an instantaneous fat-busting pill not accompanied by disgusting side-effects or Sydney Mosiman passing her driver's test on the first, second, third, fourth try...well, let's just say I thought I'd be choking down a broccoli burger before I'd be sending Syd solo onto the streets of Wyoming County.

It's been a long terrifying journey of near-death experiences as we've jerked, stalled, careened and bumped our way through parking lots..."Syd! You came within, like, four centimeters from clipping that car!"
"What car?"...intersections...(in a calm, comforting tone) "Syd, we can't stay here, honey...a car could come around this blind curve any second...start the truck, honey...that's ok, try again..."(tone shifting slightly in tempo)"...take a breath, you can do it...ok, first gear...uhmmm...try again..."(insert hysterical tone here)"...GET OUT!  MOVE! MOVE!  I'M DRIVING!!!"...and 3-point turns..."Syd...be mindful of the...ditch."

Through it all, Sydney has been resiliently positive and unrealistically confident in her driving abilities.  "Am I on the wrong side of the road," she famously inquired while her passengers screamed, "Yes!!!!"  As we approached a school bus ahead of us, I warned her to keep a healthy distance so the driver wouldn't mis-interpret my daughter's desire to pass.  A healthy distance, according to Syd, is drafting two feet from the bus bumper.  Surprisingly, the bus moved over.  "What do I do," asked my daughter.  "Pass the bus," I moaned.  Syd happily downshifted (a newly acquired skill) and we rocketed past at an excruciating twenty-five miles per hour while I systematically waved to every child on the bus and motioned a heartfelt apology to the impatient driver.

She begged us to sign her up for her driver's test.  There is no way that they'll pass her, we thought. Why not?  This will show her that she needs to practice more.  We tried to prepare her emotionally for the inevitable outcome. Undaunted, Syd excitedly counted down the days and we ended up learning not to count Syd out because, she passed...on the first try.  As we are not as confident as New York State in Syd's licensed skills, she is currently under a strict Mosiman-probationary period that may extend well into her mid-twenties.  She must text prior to every departure and arrival.  Our first text conversation:

Syd:  Leaving

Mom:  Praying

a short while later...

Syd:  Here

Mom:  Miracle
 

A License to Drive (your daughter crazy) Part II

            When last we left off, Savannah had meritoriously earned her New York State driver’s permit and was eagerly anticipating the many hours of practice time required to achieve full driving status.  Naturally, the sixteen-year-old was enthusiastic about learning to master the intricacies of the standard transmission; so much so, in fact, that her death grip on the stick shift resulted in the decapitation of the ball. 

The key to the successful acquisition of knowledge is directly proportional to the consistency of teaching.  I initially began teaching Savannah to drive until, upon observing her father’s rather unconventional driving style, she inquired as to why he was stopping at the stop sign at the end of our seasonal road.  “You stop at all stop signs,” he replied firmly, watching the play of doubt cross her face.  Her fate was sealed as he watched her slide the truck into neutral approaching another one of those pesky stop signs.  “Why aren’t you downshifting,” he inquired.  “Down…what,” she questioned before taking her father on as her full-time driving instructor, leaving me unceremoniously in the dust.

I was, however, given the honor of taking Savannah to her road test.  “Do you think you can handle this,” Brad asked, “I can take off work if you need me to.”  I admit I reacted a tad testily.  “It’s not rocket science, for Pete’s sake,” I snapped, “people do this every day.  I’m pretty sure I can get her to her driver’s test on time.” 

I blame the Department of Motor Vehicles.  I called multiple times to ensure that I’d dotted the T’s and crossed the I’s.  I had certificates, testimonials, recommendations, and immunity records.  Did I mention that I called more than once?  So there we are, parked in line near the Warsaw monument, watching the poor saps ahead of us jerk their vehicles awkwardly onto the road and weave unsteadily towards the school.  The brave man giving the test approached each parent prior to the test to ask something and suddenly, my heart sank into my shoes.  I bolted from our truck and raced over to him, interrupting his conversation to ask if it were necessary for me to have my license.   Incredulous, he assured me that it was customary for New York State certified drivers to always carry their licenses when operating a motor vehicle.  He glanced around, perhaps for a hidden camera, as I responded in pure panic. 

It’s one thing for my kid to fail her driver’s test herself but, by golly, I would not allow myself to be single-handedly responsible for screwing up such an important day for my daughter.  I burst into tears on the sidewalk while Savannah sank down so far on the truck seat that her knees brushed the floor.  Needless to say, the Department of Motor Vehicles hires angels.  This very nice man explained that if I could retrieve my license in the next twenty-two minutes, he would still allow Savannah to take her test that day.  I could hear Savannah’s moan of despair (or perhaps disgust) coming from the open window of our Ranger as she quickly calculated the distance from Warsaw to our house and back. Tears steaming down my face, I leaped into our truck and drove in the swiftest and most law-abiding fashion possible, obeying each stop sign, taking note of every single double line, and not using my horn at all.  I apologized to Savannah every quarter mile of that trip but for some reason, she didn’t seem at all surprised by the turn of events.  “It’s okay, Mom,” she said, clutching her seat like a baby monkey as I rounded a corner at a sedately comfortable speed. 

Long story short…she passed the test!  We didn’t know it then but that event was more than just a driver’s test.  It was, for Savannah, yet another lesson in performing under more than the usual stressful conditions.  It wasn’t enough that she had to take her test using a stick shift.  She had to take her test with a stick AND an unstable mother who somehow managed to get her daughter to the start line with two minutes to spare.  It wasn’t until two weeks ago that the real reward of that day showed itself as Savannah was working, hauling in salmon nets in Alaska when the boat she was on got stuck sideways in the shallows.  Surveying the mess, the foreman addressed his small crew.  “Who’s going to grab the tractor to get us out, “he asked.  When no one answered, he spoke again.  “Can’t any of you drive a stick?”  The lone girl on the boat slowly raised her hand.  Turns out that every day is a test and thank goodness, Savannah was more than prepared.

as published in Warsaw's Country Courier

http://www.mywnynews.com/arcade_warsaw/

A License to Drive (your mother crazy) Part I

     Sometimes it feels as though you spend your whole life waiting to turn sixteen.  To call it a milestone is an exercise in understatement and irony.  Naturally, the Mosiman family refuses to follow the “Leave it to Beaver” or “Brady Bunch” script.  Our improvisational Sweet Sixteen skit looks more like “Rocky Horror” than “Happy Days.”  When our eldest daughter, Savannah, turned sixteen two years ago, I never imagined that she would undergo an ideological, theological, and philosophical transformation regarding the Holy Grail of that age:  the acquisition of the long-sought-after, most-coveted driver’s license.  Savannah suddenly displayed the utmost admiration for the Amish’s timeless mode of transportation.  Her favorite movie became “Driving Miss Daisy.”  She even began avoiding the bumper cars at the amusement park.  As wise parents, we gave her some space to adjust to the idea of getting a permit.  After awhile though, we began employing the time-honored methods of encouragement found in any respectable parent’s arsenal:  we coaxed, bribed, threatened, and mocked.  “I don’t care WHAT all the other kids are doing,” she replied loftily, “Furthermore, are you aware of the rising cost of gasoline?  Not to mention car insurance?  It is much more cost effective to remain a passenger.” 

            Fortunately, very few witnesses were present to watch me drag my stunned and screaming daughter across the parking lot (I positioned my truck next to Ace Hardware to lull her into a sense of tranquility, shattered almost immediately as I began herding her towards the Wyoming County DMV).  Her vocabulary is much more loquacious than I had been aware up to this point.  As the Department of Motor Vehicles does not sport restraints on their chairs, I physically barred the door with my body while victoriously pulling our number (which by the way, is now in her baby book).  To my delight, a fellow classmate of Savannah’s was in the painful process of taking his permit test, gritting his teeth, murmuring words or perhaps ritualistic chants, and gnawing at the end of his pencil while answering important drive-related questions as: Assuming that the humidity levels are approximately 80%, the winds are coming from the east at 7 miles per hour, and road surface conditions are dry, when approaching an intersection geometrically comprised of right-angles which is not determined by New York State authorized traffic signs at the same time as another driver, to whom is the right of way presented?  We watched as this young man was presented with his hard-earned driver’s permit and I sat with unrestrained pride as my own daughter answered impossible-to-comprehend questions to also receive her own right-to-the-road.  This, after she argued with the very patient DMV employee who, up until that point, thought I was the most heartless mother on the planet.  When Savannah insisted that the answer she’d supposedly missed was an outlier, the DMV service personnel quickly changed alliances and began finding me much funnier than when I first attempted to woo her with my witticism. 

            As we exited the Department of Motor Vehicles, I was so excited by my victory that I was momentarily lulled into a false sense of complacency.  I realized, belatedly, that my choice of parking spots may have been foolhardy as Savannah abruptly sprinted off.  Knowing that there was no way I could overtake her, I trudged across the pavement, opened the driver’s side door, gripped the steering wheel in frustration, and headed towards the exit.  “Where to, Miss Daisy?” I growled to my grinning daughter.

as published in Warsaw's Country Courier

http://www.mywnynews.com/arcade_warsaw/