Half of One Hundred Shades of Batman

After he loudly dropped his seat mat to the floor, not once but twice, during a speaker's presentation in class, I strongly encouraged a 4th grader to come sit next to me NOW. "I'm sorry that I'm so obnoxious, Mrs. Mosiman," he whispered in a voice that carried easily to the other side of the room, "but I'm hyped up on cough syrup and my dad is taking me to the Lego Batman movie after school!" He shivered excitedly like a terrier. I couldn't help but grin and offer a quick hug. "I'm going to the movies tonight too," I whispered in a voice that did not carry to the opposite end of the room. "Are you going to see the Lego Batman movie?" he asked. "Kind of," I answered.

Hours later, daughter Sydney and I walked into the movie theater. "Please be cool about this," she begged as I approached the ticket window. "We're here to see the smutty movie," I whispered in a voice that carried well over to the popcorn stand. Sydney stood immobile, maintaining an impressive air of dignity as I spotted my friend Vicki in concessions and told her, with implied air quotes, that Syd and I were off to see the Lego Batman movie.

I don't want to spoil the smutty movie for you but, my goodness, it was exciting. This poor little couple just wants to have (insert whisper here) s-e-x (resume normal conversational tone) but must endure great hardships...gun threats, helicopter crashes, stalkers, picking out just-the-right $10,000 ball gown to wear to a party, work-place harassment, a boyfriend who insists on depositing $24,000 into your bank account (that b@$t@rd), car vandalism, learning the difficult skill of steering a boat...Believe me...it was QUITE the adrenaline rush.

"How was the Lego movie," Vicki asked, smiling, as we emerged two hours later from the darkened theater. "It definitely inspired me to install a pommel horse in my house," I answered (See the movie and you'll understand why). I'm steeling myself for when my 4th grader asks how I enjoyed my movie. In actuality, the two films really aren't all that different. Both involve latex, use a lot of fancy gadgets, and the main characters wear masks. I guess the biggest difference (other than content and rating) is that an adult can walk into one movie with his/her head held high while that same adult, while walking into the OTHER movie, might want to wear a disguise to prevent recognition, feels the need to use an alias, and experiences dark feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. Oh my goodness! Just like Batman! I'm Batman!