A monkey is NOT a unicorn: The Parable of the Polar Bear

There's a famous story in my house that has just about attained "parable" status ("Mom, forcing that story on us all the time, applicable or not, does NOT necessarily make it famous," interrupted Savannah. "And is there an application process to achieve the parable level or is it a series of Vatican-approved steps?" asked Brad.). Anyhoo...as I was saying...my little life-altering story occurred many years ago when Savannah was little and we had gone to the zoo in the winter-time. I was looking at the polar bear when an employee approached wheeling a cumbersome gray cart filled with fish. She began hurling whole fish into the bear pit and that animal sprang into action, snagging salmon with the efficient precision and grace of Royal's outfielder Alex Gordon. How I YEARNED to throw the polar bear a fish...but, shy as I am...I couldn't muster the courage to ask. And I have regretted it, oh, these many years.  What was the worst thing that could have happened? I lament. What? That she might have said no? But she might also have said yes! And now I will never know. The proverb that sums up this sad tale of unfulfilled fish flinging is:  You'll never feed a polar bear if you don't ask.

But what does this have to do with monkeys and unicorns, you wonder?

Well...If you don't know what a Fingerling is...consider it the Cabbage Patch doll, Furbee, or Talking Elmo of this generation. It grips your finger and emits up to forty different obnoxious sounds. My student excitedly ordered the pictured unicorn Fingerling from the book catalog and then spent weeks driving me nuts by asking me EVERY day if it had arrived yet. Until FINALLY it arrived. Only it wasn't a unicorn. It was a MONKEY! WHAT!?!?! We were, of course, devastated. Something must be done! I dashed off a quick email to the book company.

Original Message:
From: 
Sent: 3/22/2018
To: ACME Book Club Company

I have a VERY disappointed 9-year-old student whose (I'm predicting) angry mom spent $20 on a unicorn fingerling and we received a monkey. Can you help?
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ACME Book Club Company
to me

Dear Amy,

Thank you for contacting ACME Book Club Company. I'm very sorry for the disappointment of your student because of an item.

The website and the paper catalog both state "Which one will you receive?". The character and color may vary, which is also stated on the website.

All ACME Book Club Company customers are important to us and we never want a child to walk away disappointed or feeling like we've let them down. If the parent decides they don't want the item, please have her contact us for resolution. 

We truly appreciate your support of ACME Book Club Company.

Sincerely,

Megan

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Oh no she didn't! Did the ACME Book Club Company just text-based detail me? I am the QUEEN of text-based detail! My 4th graders mumble text-based details in their SLEEP! We eat text-based details for breakfast! It was now officially real-world learning time. 

Room 24 was now actively involved as I set forth to wage war with Corporate America. We would not rest until justice was served or until it was recess time. Whichever came first. Armed with my own powerful text-based detail, I responded. 

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Mosiman, Amy	Mar 22 (1 day ago)
to  ACME Book Club Company

Thank you for your swift reply. I had checked the on-line order and assumed (yes...I know what that means) that since the order was listed specifically as "unicorn fingerling" that that would result in my Sweet-Baboo receiving a unicorn fingerling. Thank you for providing me with a valuable lesson in which to teach my 4th graders about the importance of reading the fine print. Better to prepare them for the big bad adult world early, huh?

Sincerely,

Amy Mosiman #learntolivewiththemonkey

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And with righteous indignation, Room 24 waited.

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ACME Book Club Company	Mar 22 (1 day ago)
to me

Dear Amy,

Thank you for your quick reply. I apologize for any frustration that you have experienced with a student receiving a Monkey Fingerling instead of a Unicorn Fingerling. I am happy to refund the parent for the item.

I refunded $20.00 to your account (customer #1792917864) for the Fingerling. Please reply with the parent's name and address so I can send a refund check to them.

We truly appreciate your support of ACME Book Club Company.

Sincerely,

Persis

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Room 24 exploded! Power to the people! Armed with text-based details and a strong sense of right & wrong, we fed that polar bear!

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Mosiman, Amy	Mar 22 (1 day ago)
to  ACME Book Club Company

How delightful! Thank you so much for helping me to avoid a possibly angry confrontation with an unhappy parent! Should I send the monkey back?

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Scholastic Book Clubs	Mar 22 (1 day ago)
to me

Dear Amy,

Thank you for offering to return the Monkey Fingerling. It will not be necessary. Please keep the item for your classroom.

We truly appreciate your support of ACME Book Club Company.

Sincerely,
 Summer

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So be heartened, dear ones. Don't just sit there and accept when life hands you a monkey. You deserve the unicorn! Fight for it! 

Moral of the story and my new favorite proverb:  

When life hands you a monkey...demand a unicorn!