Pink is NOT a complimentary color

As my primary diet consists completely of sugar and preservatives, I am not in a position to postulate about weight loss strategies and/or exercise programs. Complaining is futile when I'm dipping a spoon repeatedly into a new jar of Nutella (although I did self-congratulate myself on purchasing the smaller size jar...it's the little things). So I've resigned myself to buying clothes adorned with an "X." There's an X in sexy, I lie to comfort myself. I own several pairs of pants that are lined with lies, declaring: You are beautiful. Gorgeous. You go, girl! Brilliant marketing strategy. I glow every time as I squeeze myself into my straight-jacket slacks.

But marketing swung in the complete OPPOSITE way when I recently ordered a cute little Spring dress and noticed the descriptor on the packaging. The color of my cute little Spring dress was "pig pink." I put down the Nutella in shock. Pig pink? Are you kidding me? What marketing genius thought of that? What other colors were available? I wondered. Whale white? Rhino red? Why not just cut to the chase and sell Overweight orange? Gargantuan green? Drop Some Pounds Purple?

"Aren't you even going to open it?" Brad asked as I tossed the plastic bag to the side in disgust. I was already printing out the return label and researching dress colors more to my liking. Stick figure faun. Slender silver. Why, the wind could practically blow you away blue. I'm not sure why I never realized that I was a natural fit for fashion merchandising. It's like putting lipstick on a pig. Pink lipstick, of course. Cuz we're classy that way.