What is the "hole" point of marriage?

After thirty years of marriage, you would have thought that I'd learned at LEAST a few things. But, no. "Helping" with household projects is still a futile enterprise plagued with uncertain danger and certain emotional scarring.

Case-in-point: The Hole

Goal:  To re-direct an out-let pipe to circumvent the continued development of a swamp near our blackberry bushes.

My solution:  Plant a willow tree.

Brad's solution: Spend four days yelling at Amy.

Wednesday: Brad arrives home. Dishes are done. Bed is made. House is more or less tidy. To be fair, the man left for work at 4:30 am but who in their RIGHT mind asks their spouse what they've DONE ALL DAY? I had strategically refrained from completing extraneous chores as I knew, upon my husband's arrival from work, that I would be standing by a hole for HOURS until dark.

LESSON #1 THAT I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE:

• Never laugh: Sure, it was a deep, cavernous hole. Sure, just the word "hole" makes me giggle immaturely. But when your husband is systematically testing the depth of said hole with differing lengths of poles and unfortunately drops the smallest one in to be lost forever, this is a time for compassion and commiseration...not chuckling or out-right hysterical laughter.

LESSON #2 THAT I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

• Be vigilante regarding dialog direction: Brad self-talks in a way that is not limited to just swearing. He will work out the complication in real time, muttering to himself as he establishes the solution to the problem and the possible consequences of his plan. His family has grown accustomed to this habit...to our own peril as, without warning, my husband will suddenly STOP talking to himself and begin talking TO us. Unfortunately, I will have been lulled into a peaceful day-dreaming state until he begins yelling. "Is it too much to ask you to listen to me?" he'll complain. Why, yes. Yes, it is too much to ask.

LESSON #3 THAT I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

• Be fluent with synonyms: I am NOT fast on my feet; literally or metaphorically. But when Brad implements a plan, he does not present it in the forums that best reflect my learning acuity. I like to HEAR the idea, READ the directions, and PRACTICE the plan before implementation. It is also beneficial to have the directions be formulated in rhyme or song or at least have a helpful mnemonic. And of course, there should be lots of encouragement throughout the execution followed by cheering, compliments, and a reward. Instead, Brad snaps words at me like an auctioneer and then leaps into action, confused when I haven't moved. 
• During this particular project, I was in charge of the hose which led, of course, to a LOT of inappropriate comments on my part. I was constantly putting the hose IN the hole or taking the hose OUT of the hole. I was also asked, often, to "kink" the hose. Once I was able to stop giggling at that word, I became quite ept at the skill. However, during high-adrenaline moments, Brad would snap me out of my day-dreaming by shouting at me to "pinch" the hose or "clamp" the hose. Again...these are high-trigger words for me which puts my actions on delay as I attempt to forego the sexual innuendo and stick the hose in the proper end (-o).  Asking my husband to use consistent vocabulary did not go over well at that moment.  

As always, after a LOT of psychological damage and disrepair, the job got done. Brad will revel in this victory while I will thank God that it's finally over. Brad will take pride in the accomplishment that "we" successfully completed the project together while I devise more elaborate schemes to get  out of working on our next couple's activity. Thirty years is a long time to be married...you'd have thought that I would have learned, by now, NOT to shine the flashlight DIRECTLY into my husband's face. OR...you'd have thought that, by now, he'd have stopped asking me to help. Although, now that I think about it, the day he STOPS asking me to help will be the day that we actually have a real problem.