Katriel and I had popped in, after work, to visit our dear friend, Geri who is valiantly recovering from a broken foot injury. Our intent was to play euchre but, understandably, the strain of being housebound is beginning to show on our normally active and on-the-go friend. Geri felt that her marriage would benefit more from participating in another activity as she and Gregg have strong but very different philosophies when it comes to euchre. That being said, HAD we played cards, I may not have needed an emergency counseling session following our visit. Geri, of course, would disagree.
Delicious Oreo milkshakes in hand, Katriel and I curled up on the couch as Geri explained how we would use our phones to log onto the computer game on the television. I may have been a bit distracted (between the alcohol in my beverage and the startling emails I was fielding that were a consequence of my misguided resolution to better connect with others. Apparently, I had succeeded but was now contending with the repercussion of this idiotic objective. To my daughter, Sydney's delight, I once hosted a thirty minute conversation at a wedding debating the merits and drawbacks concerning rectangular hay bales and round ones. This was almost as bad.) so, as I punched the address into my phone, I inadvertently hit one wrong key. I was off by ONE letter. What's the saying, "For want of a nail, the kingdom was lost?" This was, "For the strike of a wrong letter, Amy's phone blew up with porn."
And let's be clear. This wasn't fun porn. Or Game of Thrones porn. I'm not a prude, for goodness sake. My screen was FILLED with a close-up image of ONLY the body part...I need a little background, people. Story-board my porn. But no...this was microscopic, in-your-face, skin pore porn. I shrieked like a matronly old woman who still kettles her tea and has a crochet-ed doll wearing a hoop skirt dress hiding a roll of toilet paper in her bathroom. I shielded the screen of my phone against my shirt. My subtle behavior had somehow drawn the attention of my gaming companions.
"I did something wrong," I announced, chancing a quick, careful peek like one would into a suspiciously loaded diaper. I couldn't spot an exit on the screen but my retinas had, without a doubt, been burned beyond recognition capability. I may have screamed again and then bobbled the devil's device...lobbing it over to Katriel like it was a piping hot pornographic potato. "Why would you give it to her and not Gregg?" Geri scolded, feeling the need to defend Katriel's virtuous manner. I've spent a LOT of commuting time with Katriel; her virtuous manner need not be defended. Plus, she had strong technical skills.
Katriel got me straightened out and we were able to begin playing. Only...every four minutes or so, my phone would ping with alarming notices that I was corrupted. A truer statement had never been uttered. "Delete it," Katriel would say, staring, unblinking at the TV, as she crushed me in the first round. Delete. Ping. Another warning. Delete. Ping. A threat. Delete. Ping. "Your phone will be locked in two minutes if you don't respond." Katriel had already crushed me in three games by now while I waited for a knock on the door as the porn police came to take me away. "Katriel..." I whined, desperate now. Sighing, she paused her game, grabbed my phone, uttered some sort of magical spell over it, and then handed it back. Exorcised, my phone was now blessedly silent and I could concentrate on the game. Katriel beat me a final time before I decided it was time for us to go.
"I'm switching phone carriers," I told Katriel on the way home. "Verizon has been pretty spotty," she agreed. "No, I just don't want that to ever happen again," I explained. "How is switching phone carriers going to help with that?" she asked. "I'm going to switch to Virgin Mobile!" I grinned.
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