I keep putting my swim fins in my mouth

 As much as it pains me, I have to admit that I have quite a few unpleasant character traits: impatience, lack of focus, limited attention span, and social awkwardness among them. Sigh. I've employed a host of strategies, have communicated my weaknesses to others, apologized in advance, begged for forgiveness after...but, sadly, here we are...burdened still with a big bundle of obnoxious attributes.

The beginning of the school year is an easily-identifiable trigger for me as I go in nervous...confident that I have forgotten how to teach, certain that I have lost the ability to exchange small-talk and collegiate rapport, and realizing that I am a ticking time-bomb of TNT if I hear more than one program reduced to yet another easy-to-remember acronym. 

I was determined to do better this year.

"You say that EVERY year," my friend, Katriel remarked as I made my way cautiously down the corridor, readying myself for my first social interaction of the school year. I exchanged greetings with Kristie as she smiled cheerfully from her third grade classroom door. I entered the office, emotionally prepared to kick off this year with a bang. 

I spotted Rachel, our elementary principal, chatting with some teachers. Rachel is always effortlessly professional, conservatively-dressed with a subtle but warm splash of color that endears her to adults and children alike. She turned to me, greeting me warmly. "I love your shirt," I blurted in a panic, with all the eyes in the office on me, "it looks like the bottom of a swimming pool." I had recently learned that you should never offer generalized compliments without a defining detail. I, of course, chose THIS moment to implement my learning. Rachel paused a moment to consider my comment before graciously thanking me. She has known me for over twenty years. This was nothing new to her. I rode out of the office on a wave of laughter.

"That went well," Katriel observed dryly before skipping off happily to tell the rest of our 4th grade team about my embarrassing exploits. We (they) were still giggling about it as we headed into our first faculty meeting later that day, headed, naturally, by Rachel. By this time, one of my few positive character traits had kicked in...my ability to go with the flow. I walked into the room and called out, "Marco!" My friend, Erin, happily obliged. "Polo!" she yelled back. Rachel had already forgotten my morning monologue and brushed off my unconventional entry to just silly shenanigans.

Oh. This would not do. While I do not enjoy feeling embarrassed, I detest being forgotten.

"What are you doing now?" Katriel asked wearily as I opened up my planner and furiously began to write. The only thing that Katriel worried about at the beginning of each year was me. 

"I'm making a list of swim-related challenge words to use during the meeting," I announced to my little group. "We'll assign points to determine a winner." Katriel sighed as our 4th grade team members, Allison and Spencer began to happily add to my list. Little did we know how often water-related terms are used in meetings. Todd talked about "diving deep" into standards as I resignedly scratched that choice off my list. Dave then commented about the "refreshing" climate of the elementary. "I'm drowning here," I whispered to Katriel who was barely keeping her own head above water trying to ignore me. The meeting came to a conclusion with no decisive winner. Dam.

"I'm going to do better today," I told Katriel the next day as we were again walking down the hallway toward the office. "You say that EVERY year," Katriel said. We spotted Kristie, again standing in her 3rd grade classroom door. She had on a fun blouse with key-holes punched out of her short sleeves. I readied myself for a detail-oriented compliment. Katriel wisely stepped away from me as I launched my positive word-torpedo. "I like your shirt today," I said, my details detonating early as I realized that key-hole punch might not actually sound like a compliment. As I disappeared around the corner, I worriedly replayed my words and in alarm, yelled out, "That's not to say I didn't like your shirt YESTERDAY." I rode down the rest of the hallway on a wave of Kristie's laughter.