Is there a fine for snarkiness?

When did I start getting so snarky? (Thanks, by the way, for NOT answering that). My first hint that I was getting a tad bit out of control was when I recently received a notice from an express delivery company that they couldn't locate my residence. Huh? I received this notification from them IN THE MAIL! They asked if I could please call their toll-free number to rectify this confusion. Dave the delivery man couldn't have been kinder. Amy the irate customer couldn't have been snarkier. "Dave," I asked innocently," "You are aware that your company managed to write my address down correctly on the postcard you mailed to me, right?" Dave attempted to illuminate the complexities of global delivery for me. I, in turn, expressed my sympathies that his company obviously lacked the financial and technological wherewithal to purchase themselves a GPS gadget or two. I helpfully offered to stand out in front of my house with giant yellow flags to ground-guide the delivery truck to my address but Dave didn't think that would be necessary.

Then, the other day, as I was traveling through a local small town with my hands at the suggested 10 and 2 o'clock positions, I was pulled over by a member of one of the thousand branches of police organizations that occupy our area. I lowered my window and placed my hands again at the 10 and 2 o'clock positions to reassure my law enforcement friend that I wasn't packing heat. He approached my window and then startled me by reaching into my van to remove my permission slip from my mechanic which more or less read, "Please forgive Amy for driving this vehicle without the New York State approved inspection sticker. She suffers from CHECK ENGINE LIGHT-itis and needs to drive it for reasons that she will never understand so we have stopped trying to explain it to her. She will be bringing in this hunk of junk again in a couple of days so we can try to bring this death-trap up to code."" The officer read my Get-Out-of -a-Traffic-Ticket free card and grunted with annoyance. "Technically, this should be taped up to the window," he stated. I was still confused whether or not he should have been reaching into my vehicle without cause or explanation in the first place and now I considered this new scenario where I have an 8" by 12" slip of paper taped to my front windshield. Seriously? He then glanced over at my passenger seat and spotted my cell phone laying there alongside a take-out box, a wrapped Russell Stover marshmallow bunny and a Russell Stover marshmallow bunny wrapper. "You are aware of the new imposed regulations concerning cell phone usage while driving," he inquired helpfully. "Is there a similar law pertaining to the consumption of egg salad sandwiches," I asked back, "because there's one of those in my seat as well." I am well versed on the philosophy that, just because it's in a garage, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a car. Just because I threw my cell phone (and egg salad sandwich) in my front passenger seat, it doesn't necessarily mean I plan on interacting with them as I'm driving. Thanks for not asking about the Russell Stover marshmallow bunny wrapper. I would have been forced to invoke the 5th.