Going to the chapel (part II)...What happens at Haley's wedding, STAYS at Haley's wedding

I was so excited to get my picture with
my two great-nephews that I didn't
care about my rumpled and disheveled
appearance.

Having successfully avoided a grade four misdemeanor (commonly known as a DWD-dressing while driving), Sydney and I breathlessly arrived in time for Haley's wedding. In fact, we even had time to contemplate the consumption of a serving dish of ranch dressing as the last thing we'd eaten was a Connecticut doughnut well on the northwest side of noon. Unfortunately, we were distracted by my equally hungry nephew Talen as he slowly reached into a bowl of unwrapped butter squares. Horrified, Sydney and I watched him pop one into his mouth. As he bit down, his whole face convulsed. "I thought it was cheese," he wailed through his bite of butter. I smiled in satisfaction. "Yeah...that kid is related to me," I thought proudly.

We turned our attention to the reason for our unintentionally long drive to Pennsylvania as a smiling Haley was escorted across the room to embark on her own journey. She was everything a bride should be: bright and beautiful. A new (to me) wedding tradition was introduced, The Love Box. A lovely and sentimental concept which was immediately corrupted because my daughter and I are gutter-trash. The Love Box is where the bride and groom write heart-felt letters to one another to be opened upon the occasion of their first anniversary. Sydney and I instead thought of the Andy Sanberg/Justin Timberlake SNL skit of "D!^k in a Box." I know...but I already told you...gutter-trash. Then somehow we incorporated Jimmy Fallon's "Thank You Notes" bit into it...Haley wetting the end of her pen before earnestly writing to her beloved...her voice-over sharing her thoughts..."Dear Joey of the Future, The thought of being your wife is swell. I can't wait to begin walking down long sandy beaches with you as soon as we find one here in Southern Pennsylvania." Sigh. To take something so pure and pollute it...I'm ashamed.

Fortunately, I wasn't the only one to corrupt a nice nuptial tradition. My sister-in-law Jen, a statuesque Greek goddess gowned in shimmering blue, had been absent from the table when the shallow champagne glasses were being filled. As we were instructed to raise our glasses for the best man's toast, Jen frowned and said, "But they haven't filled our glasses yet" before jerking the glass in annoyed emphasis, surprised as liquid splashed over her shoulder. "It's good luck," I assured her, "like tossing salt over your shoulder to ward off bad luck."

Fallanne's photo evidence of Colby's hole in one

My nephew Colby also decided to modify a tradition. Meant to symbolize the destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem, the new husband stomps on a glass at the end of the wedding ceremony. Colby, armed with a $5 golfball, was making a valient attempt to get his toddler son's attention for a photo op but ended up getting everybody's attention when the ball tumbled into his unhappy wife's water glass, sending shards of glass all over her dinner. She pulled one piece out of her baked potato and I complimented her on her topping choice and told Colby that, had we been instead attending a carnival, he'd have won a prize.

We ruined the most reverent of all wedding traditions and traumatized Sydney for the rest of her life, beginning when I turned to my daughter as the first strains of "Unchained Melody" began, to ask, "What movie does this make you think of?"  Everyone at Table One stared at her in horrified disbelief when she admitted she didn't know. Then it was Sydney's turn to be horrified as Colby moved behind his wife's chair and they began pantomiming the iconic sculpting scene of "Ghost". Not to be outdone, Jen bent over my uncooperative brother and moved his arms robotically to also simulate sculpting. You just can't pay for that sort of entertainment.

Despite our best efforts, we failed to ruin Haley's wedding. In fact, no one there even noticed the immature exploits of Table One because they were so captivated by the bride. It was an honor to be a part of my niece's very special day. It was so worth the trip.