Did Jesus invent the wet willy? (and other questions my pastor refuses to answer)

Amy,

At your fourth of July party this summer I asked Sydney if she'd be willing to read scripture in service. She responded by disappearing for several weeks (apparently to California or Alaska or somewhere). So it's with some trepidation that I raise the subject again with your family. The truth is that two passages are just a bit much for a single scripture reader on a Sunday morning. Especially if one of the passages is apocalyptic, levitical, or Pauline. We need to share the load. Would you be willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good? If I find that you've taken your family overseas next week, I won't try a third time...

Sincerely, Your Spiritual Adviser

Dear Spiritual Adviser,

Correct me if I'm wrong (No...don't, I tend to get hostile) but isn't Pauline one of the Chipmunks' girlfriends? If so...sign me up for THAT reading. I'm good for this Sunday.

Sincerely, Amy

Amy,

Yeah, I was hoping you could do the reading in a Chipmunk voice. We keep a ready-to-go canister of helium in side room for such occasions.

It turns out this Sunday is Family Sunday, so I won't be needing your expertise this week. You've been shoved off by an 8-year old. But I'll get you on the schedule.

Thanks from Your Spiritual Adviser

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SEVERAL WEEKS LATER WHEN I HAD BEEN OFFICIALLY PLACED ON THE READING SCHEDULE

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Dear Spiritual Adviser,

I wonder what I'm reading on Sunday? Or do I just get to choose my favorite passage from "The Gospel According to Amy"?

Just wondering, Amy

Amy,

Just choose your favorite Simon and Garfunkel lyric and read it dramatically.

Sincerely, Your Spiritual Adviser

(Mark 7:31-37 (p.998), according to the bulletin)

Dear Spiritual Adviser,

Which version is the pew bible so I don't go all King James on a NLT crowd?

Concerned about causing a religious riot, Amy

NIV 

(Note lack of warm salutation or connecting closing: Signs that the Spiritual Adviser may be growing weary of doing good via the miracle of email)

Dear Spiritual Adviser,

Having read the assigned passage, I just youtubed how to pronounce "Ephphatha" which one channel tried to tell me meant "watermelon" but clearly is translated to mean "abracadabra." Also, is Jesus credited for historically delivering the first Wet Willie?

Vocabularically-enriched, Amy

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THE NEXT DAY: (APPARENTLY MY SPIRITUAL ADVISER HAD SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN MY ABILITY TO LEAD HIS CONGREGATION, HE DECIDED NOT TO ATTEND SERVICES)

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Dear Amy,

Were you able to pronounce it yesterday? Did you enact it as you read?

Wish I could have been there, Your Spiritual Advisor

Dear Spiritual Adviser,

I KILLED it! Standing O from a righteous crowd! I had t-shirts made: "Ephphatha Forever!"

Victoriously yours, Amy (Please don't ask me to ever do that again)