If trees could kill you, they wood

 "Stick your face in there," I ordered, "if it doesn't pierce the skin then we're good to go." Apparently, that is NOT the typical conversation one hears whilst traipsing about the magical Christmas tree forest. If one were to take cues from those around you, one would be led to believe that you must squeal with delight, clap your hands enthusiastically, and good-naturedly argue over who has the privilege of cutting down the deciduous conifer. One bite-sized, blue-booted belly-scratcher even skipped by, shouting "They're so BIG!"

The Mosimans were never ones for the typical triangular-shaped tree. Sydney fell in love with a perfectly round tree but the twenty minute lesson we received about over-sized trunk circumference turned us off. "Math isn't very merry," Sydney grumbled while I continued my desperate search for soft needles. "Soft needles don't bear up under the weight of the ornaments," Brad explained, beginning an impromptu lesson about mass. "Merry kiss-my-mass," I snarled, cutting him off as it suddenly dawned on me that I actually had no say in this matter. Yup. Within minutes, I was the proud owner of the porcupine equivalent of Christmas trees: the sturdy (and razor-sharp) Blue Spruce whose herculean branches can staunchly bear the weight of the heaviest of ornaments. How big does Brad think my ornaments actually are?

We tried to Facetime Savannah so that she could share in this priceless family endeavor but she was mysteriously unavailable. She does have a pretty big apartment. It might have been difficult to hear the phone when you live in a 300 foot space. After Brad amused himself by criticizing Sydney's admittedly lame sawing technique...what DO they teach those kids in school these days?...he, himself, crawled beneath the Tree of Tears. "Mom, stand by the tree," Sydney instructed, taking a selfie to share with Savannah (who would obviously be DEVASTATED that she missed this). The two-foot berth that I gave myself was not enough as, of course, Brad toppled the tree toward me whereupon I was impaled. An assault had been perpetrated with a pine but police are stumped. "You are so knotty," I yelled at my husband.

"And THAT'S why I don't answer my phone," Savannah said.