As we neared the City of Angels, I began to look for a stopped traffic opportunity in which to step out and perform my much-practiced choreographed dance number. "You might have to boost me up onto a neighboring car," I told Savannah, "but I should be good-to-go from there." "Just give me the word," she nodded.
"Are we almost there?" I asked as my arms were beginning to shake from the strain of holding my hostess gift against the air-conditioning vent. "I cannot believe you are bringing that to Cousin David's," Savannah remarked, glaring at me. "It was just dumb luck that prevented her from bringing it into church with us this morning," Sydney muttered sleepily from the back seat. "I didn't want it to melt," I explained. "We're here," Savannah announced, pulling into the driveway of a magnificent house, "Heaven help us all." I stared. "Do movie stars live here?" Robin Leach's voice began narrating in my head. Tucked among the stately hills haloed by the famed Hollywood sign, Cousin David and his beautiful wife April entertain hick guests in typical Los Angeles luxury.
(Acting) pleased to see us, April accepted my hostess gift with admirably-concealed confusion. "It is a butter lamb," I intoned, bowing with a flourish before dipping gracefully into the queen's curtsy, "A symbol of my people." Savannah and Sydney stared at me, dumbfounded. "Mom...you are NOT Polish," Sydney whispered. "I could be," I whispered back, "I love perogies." "They're a tradition in Buffalo," Savannah explained. To my relief, April tucked the shiny little lamb into the refrigerator.
We toured the house with Savannah reminding me to close my mouth every few minutes. Robin Leach morphed into Lawrence Welk as I kept saying, "Wunnerful...wunnerful," as each amazing room was revealed. "Stop me," I begged Sydney but we were both struck dumb by a high-ceiling reading turret, windows sparkling like diamonds. "Come out onto the balcony," April invited. "Does she have cake for me to throw?" I asked, seconds before Savannah pinched me. "Ouch! That's going to bruise!" "Can you please stop acting like a hill-billy?" she hissed. Ouch.
We sat down to chat; April commiserated with me about my little traveling woes. "My parents navigate airports quite a bit," she explained, "of course, that's international travel and they speak very little English. Come to think of it, though, they've never encountered the problems that you faced." She smiled at me. I narrowed my eyes. Uh-huh...now I know what I'm dealing with. "I'll distract her," I whispered to Sydney, "steal our lamb back." Disappearing, April returned to thrust a beautiful sushi set into my hands. "Ancel-cay e-thay utter-bay amb-lay," I muttered to Sydney, fingering the delicate dishes. She looked confused. "What?" "She said to cancel the butter lamb," April told her while Savannah moaned and buried her head in her arms.
Cousin David and April regaled us with funny stories about how they met, the dark, winding streets of Shanghai, and the gripping tale of how David almost lost an ear to frostbite during a bout of bargaining all while their athletic son, Calvin, attempted to set a world record bouncing a ping pong ball on his paddle. Unfortunately, his proud parents had to interrupt this endeavor to take us to an incredible bakery. "They're known for their cheese rolls," April explained. We glanced at one another, doubtful. Cheese rolls? An hour later, we would learn NEVER to doubt April again. April, clearly, is a genius. And when we finally left the bakery, clutching a giant box of extra cheese rolls that April bought for us, we decided that we LOVE April. And cheese rolls.
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