woman can take. Worried that perhaps the detailing of my pastor's EVERY malfeasance in blog-form might not be pleasing to the Lord, I vowed to stop. To take the higher road, if you will. Maybe I was just being too sensitive. Surely, my pastor wasn't spending EVERY waking moment hatching nefarious plots in which to publicly humiliate me. Surely, he had better things to do.
Apparently not.
Let me first say that I keep meticulous sermon notes to better focus and reflect on the message; NOT to document my pastor's incriminating behavior to later present for a judge in subsequent court proceedings.
But after the most recent fiasco from this past Sunday, I browsed backwards in my journal and was alarmed to spot an alarming pattern of shenanigans. Pastor Calvin is a classic repeat offender in the area of antics. Not convinced? My evidence, your Honor:The week leading to Sunday, July 14th, the accused lulled the victim into a false sense of security by communicating the service reading well ahead of time via e-mail instead of at the last minute or not at all which is his usual mode of operandi.
Victim: "Woo Hoo! Proverbs 25:18-22! I could do that in my sleep, son!"
Hindsight: It was easy...in retrospect, a little TOO easy.
That Sunday, the victim entered the church with an inflated sense of confidence until...
Victim: (Taking a sheet of paper from the pastor's wife: PW) "What's this?"
PW: "That's the schedule of worship. Everyone involved gets one."
Victim: (Sensing a problem) "I have NEVER in my life been given this sheet of paper.
Looks at paper...realizes that she's also been assigned Matthew 5:33-48. Gasps.
Victim: "That's an additional 15 verses! Unpracticed!"
Camera zooms in on pastor's grinning face.
I would now like to call the court's attention to the journal entry dated 6/9/19 whereupon the pastor, henceforth known as the accused and soon to be called the convicted, and I entered into a binding agreement that I would approach the podium to deliver the assigned reading immediately following the children's sermon as dictated by the printed church bulletin that was given to EVERY parishioner in attendance that day. As I stood and proceeded to approach the lectern, the pastor raced across the stage and commenced to lead the community prayer, leaving me in a state of humiliated limbo. Do I return to my seat? Do I improvise a sign-languaged interpretation of shared supplications? Or do I just lean against the wall and light one up?
Camera zooms in on pastor's smirking smile.
And though I have COUNTLESS more, I would like to conclude today's proceedings with an entry from May 5, 2019.
Pastor Calvin (the accused/soon-to-be-convicted): "And that concludes today's community prayer. Amy would now like to bring us the first reading."
Amy, frozen in her own pew (Sorry, your honor, potty humor has no place in the courtroom), stares at her spiritual leader, an evil leer sliding across his face so that he momentarily resembles Senator Palpatine from Star Wars: "Excuse me?"
The Emperor grimaces gently: "You've been blessed with BOTH of today's readings."
Is a pastor allowed to roll his eyes?
Amy (scrambling, clutching the Bible that her husband desperately thrusts into her hands): Of course...
Amy: (digging into the pulpit with her nails, begins reading, gasping as mortification has paralyzed her airway) I apologize...
The victim watches the accused (and soon-to-be-convicted) make his way to the multi-media center in the back and flip through some papers. His eyes wide, he slowly turns to face her across the rows of parishioners with their backs to him. "I'm so sorry," he mouths, waving with his papers. Too little, too late there, buddy. Amy passes out from asphyxiation. Just as he'd obviously planned.
Camera zooms in on pastor doing the classic gotcha-elbow-snap victory move
The prosecution rests.
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