This marriage is under pressure: How household chores wreck relationships

SATURDAY AFTERNOON
TIMESTAMP 12:57 PM

ME (texting my daughters):  Doing fun outdoor work with Daddy. Already mowed. We just discovered that I lack experience in the field of hose unraveling.

Sydney: Oh dear, I never would have guessed.

Me:  Get out the tequila, girls...take a shot every time he yells at me or is disgusted by me. You're two in the hole already.

Me: (Having received and failed in Brad's directions on where to aim the sprayer.)  "At the PEAK! AT THE PEAK! Here...I'll do the peak." Is that one shot or three? Or four for disgust?

TIMESTAMP 1:47 PM

Me: I was allowed to spray the pressure washer for approximately three minutes.

Me: He's re-spraying my section now.

Me:  Take a shot.

Me:  I call this one "Tried and True"

Me:  I entitled this one: "I'd rather be
 in the house."

TIMESTAMP 3:15 PM

Me:  Daddy just gave me the "Dirty Dancing" finger signal...the result was NOT the same as the movie.

Me: "Can you run and get me the ladder, quick?" I MAYBE could do one, but certainly not all three.

Me: Take a shot.

Me: We are surely going to win a state, or maybe even national, award for Cleanest Garage Roof.

Me:  When Daddy said we were going to pressure wash the house, I didn't know he meant EVERY nook and cranny.

Me:  Thank God we don't have a bigger house.


Me:  See your father's freshly power-sprayed flip-flop?

TIMESTAMP 4:19 PM

Me: Oh no...he remembered the boat!

Me:  When given the directive, "Get me a good-sized adjustable wrench and straighten the hose," which task do you think should take priority? Take a shot.

Me:  What are the chances that my odds of ending up in hell increase as, on my way to find the wrench, I'm praying, "Please let something be broken...please let something be broken."

TIMESTAMP 4:51 PM

Me:  He just announced that we're 3/4s done. Oh dear Lord.

Sydney:  Oh goodness...can't you just fake an injury or something?

Me:  Daddy inspecting the front:  "Do you think we've got an extra ten extra feet to stretch over here?" Me, while playing with my phone, resolutely replies: "No." Brad then spends ten minutes stretching garden hose and water pressure hose to the max...ten feet acquired.

TIMESTAMP 5:40 PM

Me:  1/4 left to go, my ass.

Savannah: Run.

Me:  Does Daddy look like he's trying to use his sign language skills?

Sydney: Tell him to get down. He's going to slide off the roof.

TIMESTAMP 6:51 PM

Me:  I think we're done! I think we're done!

TIMESTAMP 6:58 PM

Me:  We're not done.

Me:  And it's raining.

Me:  "One more tank of gas and we should be good," Daddy said cheerfully. "Is that thunder?" I asked.

TIMESTAMP 7:43

Me:  "One more little section and we'll be done," he said cheerfully, bleeding from multiple locations and blue with pneumonia.

Me:  LIAR! He has to be delirious at this point.

Me:  What if we spray the roof with Pam so nothing will stick to it in the future?

Me:  It's pretty dark but I think the house looks good.

Me:  Illuminated by the passing headlights of cars, I think it's clean.

Me:  First we have to power-wash the ladder.

Me:  Take a shot:  Daddy just yelled at me for trying to save him as he slid off the roof.

TIMESTAMP 8:12 PM

Me:  The words "Obviously your father never taught you to empty a hose" were JUST used!

Me:  Take a shot.


TIMESTAMP 8:57 PM

Me:  It's over...it's finally over.

Savannah: Power-washing or the marriage?

MONDAY MORNING:

Me:  The town decided to re-dirt our seasonal dirt road.