What a relief! I made a new friend!

I have made a new friend. And by "friend," I mean someone I hate with my whole heart. As in full-fledged despise. As in looking to murder in her sleep. Her name is Jessica. Please pronounce it like how Jerry enunciates Newman's name. She is tall and fit and fashionable. She is a gifted interior designer and has elevated hostessing to an art form. A bouquet of beautiful flowers and gourmet gummies awaited my first less-than-five-minute visit to her and Sydney's apartment. When I spent the night shortly after, Jessica arose with the sun to prepare a three-course breakfast feast. See what I mean? No jury in the world would convict me.

I was invited to Jessica's game night. The ambiance intimidated me. Green plants flourished, breathing life and vitality into a gently illuminated room, flickering candles creating a calm current of subtle scents. I was frozen in fear...paralyzed on the precipice of revealing my staggering ignorance. Surrounded by hip, cool, trendy party-goers, I was not off to a great start when, in offering clues for the musician Drake, I yelled out insistently, "a male duck!" Thankfully, I (sort of) redeemed myself during "Office Trivia."

Our next encounter was an elegant brunch. Jessica swept magnificently into the room wearing designer

sandals and a Carrie-Bradshaw dress. Feeling inadequate in my high-waisted, dark denium Bermuda shorts with sarcastic tee, I disappeared to change into an outfit with unfortunately-misdirected vertical lines. Now, dressed-to-kill (any sense of discernible fashion possible), I was ready to endure this royal breakfast banquet. The third mimosa Sydney slipped me probably didn't hurt either. Our champagne was a bubbly bottle of sparkling gold flakes, like a liquored-up lava lamp. Jessica began the process of worming her way into my frozen heart when she sat back and sighed, gazing into her mimosa glass oracle. "I hope that the gold flecks are as much fun coming out as they were going in," she announced. I perked up. The ice had begun to crack.

The dam would burst the next day. My game-loving friend had encountered a new product called "Things You Wish You Didn't Know." As we walked the dogs, Jessica enthusiastically shared her new, fun facts that no one in their right mind needs to know. I was both appalled and intrigued. By the end of the walk, I needed psychiatric care and access to Google research. At one point, I stood, immobile on the sidewalk. "Mom, c'mon," Sydney prompted, shaking me out of my shocked stupor. "Are you sure?" Sydney questioned her friend as our walk continued.  "Perhaps we should organize an independent panel," I suggested, "to investigate this matter further." "Excellent proposal," Sydney agreed, "We'll reconvene in four days." We never did get to the bottom of it as The BBC Science Focus later confirmed Jessica's sidewalk scoop. Indeed, with rare anatomical exceptions, (using the most poetic language possible), restroom-wise, it is rare to experience thunder without the rain. 

Which, of course, makes me re-visit my views on this emerging friendship with Jessica. As we all know, a healthy relationship should never feel forced. Friendships shouldn't be hard. We have heard that all that glitters is not gold which means that you can't always trust the outside of the package. One is often better off starting from the inside-out... you can usually trust a person who understands that, when the time comes to make a royal offering at the porcelain throne, we must ALL bring the poo-pourri. And Jessica comes packing with an assortment of delightful scents and loads of fun facts.