Sporting a paper broccoli necklace around my neck, I was reading How to be Perfect in Just Three Days to the children when..."Wait," you say, rudely interrupting what is certain to be a riveting and perhaps, life-changing story, "why were you wearing broccoli-based accessories?" "My friend Chelsea, who is apparently hard of hearing, also asked me that question but she misheard broccoli as bra which got me thinking about vegetable-themed ladies undergarments. That's the big trend, right? Corn into fuel. Soy into milk. Carrots into carrot sticks and dip. Broccoli bras could be huge!
Anyhoo, I had just gotten to the part where the main character is about to eat a creme-filled Twinkle which, of course, sparked a lengthy conversation about what real-life snack the author might have been suggesting. A lot was revealed during the course of this conversation. Number 1: Mrs. Mosiman knows a LOT about Hostess Twinkies, so much so that I might be eligible for an honorary PhD on the subject. Number 2: Mrs. Mosiman could easily pen an emotionally-charged, earth-shaking poem about Twinkies infused with an infinite number of adjectives. Number 3: Some of the children admitted to never having tasted a Hostess Twinkie. After first checking their citizenship statuses, I then jotted down their names to share with Social Services. This was the saddest thing I've ever heard of...forget about the commercials featuring snow white seal pups being threatened by giant clubs...ignore the one-eyed kitten reaching for you through cage bars...the whales, oh, the whales...the rain forest. How could it be that there are children in America...in my own backyard...that have gone their entire lives without having sampled this scrumptious snack? I vowed, right then and there, to make this MY issue. Twinkies would become my snow white seal pup. I told Brad that he could drive me into town to pick up a few boxes of Twinkies if he bought me a double hot fudge sundae at McDonald's first. He was so grateful to be invited to take part in such a worthy cause.
"Wait," you protest, "is that it? You didn't explain why you were wearing a piece of broccoli around your neck. Garlic fends off vampires. What does broccoli do?" DO?!? Broccoli doesn't DO anything! I thought that, at first, broccoli made an agonizingly nose-curdling urine smell but that's asparagus and it would be just plain stupid to wear an asparagus necklace. For goodness sake, would you just please read the book?
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