Wait...You actually want me to READ the book?!?!?

It's enough to make even the most patient of teachers scream. Unfortunately, I am not even close to being the most patient of teachers. For three days straight, as soon as each of my cherubs completed their state tests, they were given a historical fiction novel to read...wrought with the excitement and intrigue that accompanied the underground spy network that shaped the American Revolution. Who wouldn't want to read that?!? (Sigh).

So for three days, I was cast into a biblical darkness; separated from my students and powerless to act...held hostage as they pretended to "read" while remaining scholars completed their exams. But, as dusk settled upon Day Three of testing, I arose, anew...shaking the ash from my renewed feathers and poised my sharpened talons to strike. Sorry...caught up in my enthusiasm, I did an inadvertent mash-up of Greek myth and Bible story there.

Silently, I placed a postie-note on each child's desk. "What is this for," I was asked, again and again but I refrained from answering until each customer had been served his/her allotted portion of Amy Mosiman-revenge. "Please put your name on your postie-note," I said sweetly, "And then number from one to two." "Why? What are we doing," they wanted to know. Or did they? Evil chuckle.

"Fourteen students took the state tests this week," I stated, waiting for them to nod in confused agreement. "And fourteen students were given opportunities to read (I dramatically used quotation marks at this point and my more astute students turned white) this delightful novel." The nods came more slowly this time as they glanced worriedly at one another. "Well," I exclaimed cheerfully, "I have a proposition that may benefit you greatly!" Distrustful stares shot at me from around the room. "If...IF...twelve out of fourteen of you can get a 100% on my little comprehension check, you will no longer have to read the book OR complete the accompanying work packet!" I beamed happily as several heads dropped to their desks in defeated resignation. "Oh! Am I being unfair?" I asked in mock horror, "Well...how about ten out of twelve?" (Foolishly) believing that they might now have a fighting chance, heavy negotiations began until my literary lambs finally coaxed me down to seven. "Okay! Half! If half of the class can answer the two questions about the book after having spent three days being able to read it...we will dump the entire assignment!" Cheers filled Room 24.

"Question #1..." Pencils poised hopefully, fourteen 4th graders were about to face a harsh reality..."What is the name of the book's main character?"

Room 24 was now filled with the sound of weeping and the gnashing of teeth. Miraculously, no one dared imply that perhaps it was an unfair question (as I'm pretty sure I would have launched myself across the room like one of our screaming rocket balloons before hitting the ceiling).

"Question #2..." Shuddering, students resigned themselves to another week of "enjoying" this novel..."What was the main character's occupation?" After the detailed description of Chapter One, I'm pretty sure I could forge my own fire, work my own bellows, smelt my own iron, and shape my own horseshoes, all while attractively dressed in my leather BLACKSMITH's apron!

One! One out of fourteen could answer my two questions. Rewarded with candy, she was invited to continue reading while the rest of us turned back to page one to start over. "When you finish reading Chapter One, come to me and I'll give you the questions," I said before settling in among them to read. "What if we finish reading Chapter One before you," one child dared to ask.

It's enough to make even the most patient of teachers scream.