What NOT to do at the drive-thru zoo

I've baby-proofed before. And dog-proofed. Brad Mosiman might even make the bold claim that he's Amy-proofed before (Unsuccessfully, I would humbly add, It cannot be done.) But I have to admit that I've never monkey-proofed before. Or should I say "ape-proofed?"

Brief interlude while Amy sings the Veggie Tales "Monkey" song to herself..."If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey...Even if it has a monkey-type of shape..." 

No...I was right the first time. We monkey-proofed our truck for our exciting ride through The African Lion Safari park this past week-end. I'd been ready for this for a WEEK! "Mom, can I open the crunchy cheesy puffs," Sydney asked, startled as I unexpectedly hurled myself through the air  to rip them from her grasp. She held on like a spider monkey, our opposable thumbs waging war, but I finally won. "No," I screeched, "these are for the monkeys!"

Sunday finally arrived and we migrated to the great Canadian north with crunchy cheesy puffs and shelled peanuts at the ready. "Thirty (fake money) dollars," I complained as we approached the admission gates, "What? Do they think this is Disney?" Twenty minutes later. I was thirty feet from a swimming elephant and proudly telling the crowd that I would gladly sell my second-born for the opportunity to dog-paddle with the pachyderms.

After securely tying down our truck tarp and using duct tape to conceal the straps from the prying fingers (minus opposable thumbs) of our monkey friends, we drove through the Jurassic Park-type gates to begin our adventure. We take the "Keep doors and windows securely closed" signs very seriously in the lion enclosures but, for the Mosimans ("Keep me out of this," growled Brad (who CLAIMS that he is law-abiding but has been spotted feeding a cheesy puff on the sly to a Smitar-Horned Oryx)), all bets are off when we reach the vegetarians of the park. Nothing is more magical than sliding a cheesy puff through a cracked window and brushing fingers with an appreciative monkey. He will express his appreciation, by the way, by pooping on your side-view mirror.

In the past, we have had a giraffe's tongue slither in our window and sway with a cobra's hypnotic charm for a cheesy puff. I admit to once pushing a zebra's head off of my lap.

But not THIS year. This year, park staff patrolled with military precision. Blow horns trumpeted threats and warnings to anyone who even LOOKED like they had a cheesy puff. Naturally, the monkeys and I were devastated. Monkeys, by the way, express their feelings of devastation by pooping on your side-view mirror. One super naughty monkey, knowing that our truck housed his beloved cheesy puffs, began feverishly trying to gain access to our truck tarp, meticulously picking at the duct tape so that he could stow-away and come home with us; but alas, we had monkey-proofed too well. Greatly saddened, he departed (after first pooping on our side-view mirror) while Sydney happily consumed the bag of crunchy cheesy puffs.