Probiotic Paranoia

I have a bit of an obsessive personality. I actually think that this trait makes me MUCH easier to live with as it VERY easy to please me. All I need to be happy is string cheese, Sparkling Ice coconut pineapple water, and Dannon Greek Oikos lemon meringue-flavored yogurt. Throw in some chocolate Russer Stover marshmallow bunnies at Easter and you have one satisfied girl. SUPER low-maintenance.

"Wait," Brad asked, slightly exasperated (He is ALWAYS in a state of being slightly exasperated. It baffles me.). "Does your definition of  low-maintenance factor in my having to search EVERY grocery store in a 50-mile radius for your products when they are NOT stocked in our local market which results in a debilitating depression and warped paranoia on your part?" I stared at my husband, shocked and betrayed. "What do you mean...paranoia? Plus, I thought you LIKED systematically scouring hundreds of stores for me!" Brad sighed. "Remember when you concocted the idea that Hostess NEVER actually went out of business but instead went underground to re-tool all of their product assembly molds into smaller models to fool their customers?" I glared at him, folding my arms across my chest defensively. "You KNOW that is EXACTLY what happened," I shouted.

We had solved the problem of running out of my water by ordering it through my local Tops where I also made a life-long friend at the service counter desk (Hi Mandy!). I'm STILL seeking to become the new face of Sparkling Ice water but thus far, they continue to ignore me DESPITE the fact that I buy FIVE cases a month of their admittedly delicious product. I'm not particularly loyal to a string cheese manufacturer but Dannon Greek Oikos lemon meringue-flavored yogurt was my yogurt of choice. Brad calls it my "dessert yogurt." No respect.

Anyhoo, in his travels, Brad mistaken bought the wrong yogurt. "No I didn't," he said, holding up the container for my uninterested inspection. "Look, Dannon Greek Oikos lemon meringue-flavored yogurt," he read. I shook my head. "I don't care WHAT that says. THAT is NOT my yogurt. Where was the creamy custard-texture? The sweet tang of lemon with no bitter after-taste?" I pointed to my evidence, "There is liquid pooling at the surface," I said accusingly, "MY yogurt did not need to be mixed."

This altercation resulted in a happy little blind-folded taste-test conducted two days later after Brad methodically searched for the answer to our problem. First he showed me that there currently existed three subtly different packagings options for Dannon Greek Oikos lemon meringue-flavored yogurt. "Note the red circle that circumferences this lid," Brad pointed out, "It does not exist on these two." I nodded distractedly. Chrisley Knows Best was on and Nanny Faye was going on a date.

My husband continued his dissertation. Please, please, please...let's get on with this, I begged to myself. He HAD gone to a lot of trouble but Nanny Faye was going to also get into a lot of trouble if she drank too much. One by one, I took a spoonful of my yogurt...looking for the answer that had so eluded us. But, again and again, I was confronted by a layer of liquid and a bitter aftertaste. I was devastated. Mindful of Brad's assertion that I have paranoia tendencies, I refrained from accusing the Dannon Company for having it out for me. Perhaps MY chemical make-up had changed...my traitorous taste-buds betraying me.

And then...

After consoling myself with several episodes of Chrisley Knows Best, I did a little research of my own: Who's paranoid now, Brad?