Fund-Raisin Fury

 I don't ask for a lot. My demands are simple. As my brother-in-law likes to say, "Amy, you're not just LOW maintenance...you're practically NO maintenance." Sure he lives 4,300 miles away but his opinion matters. And that being said, perhaps you will forgive this brief segue as I rail against the forces of man and nature that conspired to wreck my world, crush my spirit, and inspire this epic rampage of words...

You've seen the children's programming that challenges students to identify the one that is not like the others.  If you've already investigated the photograph for clues as to why Amy is currently hysterical...you might be a bit flummoxed. Amy flosses? you might be thinking, pleasantly surprised. Or...Why does Amy have a British pound at school? There's a watch battery. A glue top. Assorted coins. A mint. And...a Junior Mint? No-oo. A Milk Dud? No-oo. A Whopper? No-oo. What is it?

Alright. I'll tell you. But be prepared. You're going to be upset for the rest of the day. It might hinder sleep tonight. It's...a chocolate-covered raisin.

I know.

I warned you.

It's a travesty. Some stupid little fund-raising company that preys off my guilt (Yes...I would like 40% of the profit from this sale to go towards another parent's child's acquisition of leotards, hockey sticks, camping experiences, tap shoes, tubas, trips to Boston, New York City, Paris, the amusement park...Snarky side-note: My daughters used holiday and birthday money for school trips...they picked strawberries, blueberries, and garlic to supplement these expenditures. There is something to be said for the character-building experience of "If you can't afford it...go without." Instead...so as to avoid NEVER disappointing Little Jack or Little Jill, parents sell FOR THEM!!! And let me repeat that profit margin. Forty cents on the dollar! Fund-raising companies aren't looking to help the unfortunate...they're making serious bank off of people who either refuse to say no to their kids or have no problem asking friends and neighbors to guiltily purchase GARBAGE from kids who have no idea how to even politely make a sale!!! Or say "thank you"!) Thirty dollars a month is allotted from my grocery budget to accommodate the endless parade of student solicitors in my classroom. I'm sorry. I went and bought a Pepsi. I feel better now.

So anyway...back to that stupid little soul-sucking forty-cents-on-the-dollar fund-raising company of whom I was STUPID enough to purchase chocolate-covered raisins IN GOOD FAITH...They were so busy raking in the money, they couldn't be bothered to separate my raisins...instead throwing them in CLUMPS into their sub-par, waxy chocolate. These weren't cute clusters. These were quarter-sized bunches of dried raisin lumps.  I was, naturally, devastated. This quickly escalated into rage. I paid $7.50 (of which the child pocketed $3 towards a flugelhorn) to be bitterly disappointed. Betrayed. Talk about your sour grapes.