A case for the Kardahsians

Say what you want about the Kardashians, there's no denying that this family generates a wide spectrum of extreme public reaction. You are either fixated in fascinated disgust or you pretend to adopt a moral high-ground and sneak peeks peripherally. And even if you have managed to fool the world into believing that you are embarrassingly deficient in Kardashian trivia, you will be outed when you are at your most vulnerable. Case in point: my friend Sarah, who lacks the necessary emotional commitment and shallowness of character to consistently watch the show but will selfishly use and discard my years of dedicated research in order to legitimize her social status among her more low-brow buddies. And now that Sarah is pregnant, she has been keeping close tabs on Kim who is fearlessly blazing the motherhood trail ahead of her.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/13 from Sarah:  I can't believe I'm asking this but when is Kim Karsashian due? I will get that big, right? She's huge! No chance I'll look like Princess Kate.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/13 from Amy:  She's due later in June...Armenians tend to poof up a bit but petite Italian girls carry their pregnancies in an adorably cute and symmetrically balanced way. No worries.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/14 from Sarah:  Hmmm. I also saw on the cover of  "People" magazine that Kanye isn't going to be there for the birth. Is he the baby daddy? Are they dating?

Cellphone conversation dated 6/14 from Amy: Oh my goodness...do you reside on Mars? Yes...he's the proud papa and don't you believe the tabloids for a minute...he would NEVER cheat on Kim!

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Amy: Kim had her baby...both mom and daughter are doing fine.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Sarah:  Did Kanye make it for the birth?

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Amy:  He's a busy guy...I'm sure he did his best...there in spirit, for sure.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Sarah: OMG

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Amy:  Go to church and think spiritual thoughts...get your mind out of the tabloid trash, you heathen.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Amy: Update...Kanye WAS there! For the record...I never doubted him.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Amy:  Let's see if Prince William can say the same.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Sarah:  Um yes, I think I heard a thread of doubt about Kanye's parenting in that last one. I have full confidence in Prince Will. What did Kim name the baby? Shouldn't you be at church too?

Cellphone conversation dated 6/16 from Amy:  It's been a rough-go on that front...I was completely distracted by someone's ugly poncho last week and am afraid it will make a reappearance plus Savannah and I were busy watching Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill in "Money Ball" (free HBO week-end!). Add in the fact that I am NOT a pastor's wife and I feel that you are the one everyone should be judging regarding our bottom-of-the-barrel Kardashian conversation. Allow me to be the one to throw the first stone.

Cellphone conversation dated 6/21 from Amy:  No lie...Kim's baby's name just released as "North West."

Cellphone conversation dated 6/21 from Sarah:  Hooray! I won't be the worst parent ever!

It is almost impossible to hold a Kardashian-free conversation these days.  A heated discussion erupted at a backyard barbecue last week as Nascar-watching, power-tool using, sports fans debated name possibilities for Kim and Kanye West's next bundle-of-publicity. Suggestions included:

a) Go
b) North by North
c) Due
d) Head
e) Look

Like it or not, the Kardashians have become part of the American family. We are all sudo-godparents to  Mason, Penelope and baby North. None of us questioned Bruce's decision to temporarily move into his own "man-house" until Kris dragged him home. We are all waiting patiently, proud of Scott as he slowly evolves into a mature individual who resists the impulse to stuff big bills into a waiter's mouth. We support Rob's sock venture. We admire their love and loyalty to one another. Wish they'd clean up their language a bit. Their abbreviated dialogue has penetrated our vernacular like an invasive species as we describe dinner as "fab" and call one another "dahl" with great affection. We're strangely glad that they've provided a conversational backdrop for practically any setting:  water-cooler, grocery store, dentist office, dining room. So make the choice: you can act all snootie and self-righteous, looking down your nose upon those familiar with the Kardashian dynasty OR you can voluntarily give up some of those self-important IQ points and wallow a bit with the commoners. It's too easy to sling mud but guess what, you get just as dirty.