The Sorting Hat is wrong!

Have you ever encountered the somewhat unsettling experience of hearing your own voice recording played back? "I don't sound like that," you might have protested, certain that the dulcet tones emanating from your vocal cords were of Shakespeare-spouting quality. Instead, you discover that you should be auditioning for "Spongebob Squarepants."

And while this verbal awakening may seem like a nightmare, it's nothing when compared to character enlightenment. To my core, I am Gryffindor. Heroic, noble, courageous, sacrificial. While for some of you, the Hogwarts Express may have left King's Cross Station a long time ago, the magical world of "Harry Potter" continues to cast its spell over the Mosiman family. Sydney recently stumbled over a "Sorting Hat" quiz on the computer (http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-sorting-hat-pottermore-test-all-questions). We were all enthusiastically on board the idea of determining our destinies. Combining her predilection for naughtiness with her wicked intellect, Savannah was quickly sorted into Slytherin. Beneath her bubbly exterior and positive spirit, Sydney, it turns out, is hiding a dark side under her cloak of invisibility and was shockingly slid into Slytherin with her sister. The head of the Mosiman house, our leader, our pater familias, Brad was a Gryffindor before the term was originally coined.

I'm not sure where I went wrong. I encountered some pretty challenging questions such as:

You enter an enchanted garden. What would you be most curious to examine first?

 The silver leafed tree bearing golden apples

 The fat red toadstools that appear to be talking to each other

 The bubbling pool, in the depths of which something luminous is swirling 

 The statue of an old wizard with a strangely twinkling eye

Wouldn't you have chosen the cute talking toadstools? C'mon...don't tell me that that is NOT adorable! (Oh.)

Four goblets are placed before you. Which would you choose to drink?

 The foaming, frothing, silvery liquid that sparkles as though containing ground diamonds

 The smooth, thick, richly purple drink that gives off a delicious smell of chocolate and plums

 The golden liquid so bright that it hurts the eye, and which makes sunspots dance all around the room

 The mysterious black liquid that gleams like ink and gives off fumes that make you see strange visions

Wouldn't everyone pick the chocolate one? Yum! (Oh.)

To my horror, I was a Hufflepuff. A happy Hufflepuff. Unremarkable. Unmemorable. Shallow. A weak side character upon whom spells are cast. Why? Oh why? Oh why? Do you mean my moral aptitude was determined because I'd rather talk to animals than hex my enemies? My value as a person was cheapened because I'm scared of trolls?  Why should I have to choose between Robert Frost and Harry?

Which road tempts you most?

 The wide, sunny, grassy lane

 The narrow, dark, lantern-lit alley

 The twisting, leaf-strewn path through woods

 The cobbled street lined with ancient buildings

This is just a silly question. Of course a Gryffindor is going to traipse fearlessly down that dark alley. My first impulse is to go all "Road Not Taken" but I would also love the cobbled streets reminiscent of my time in Saint Augustine and Nantucket. It's time to face my inner demons and realize that I don't have any inner demons. While Brad's off wrestling against the powers of evil and Savannah and Sydney are busy hatching plots against humanity, I'm consumed with sampling every item on the snack trolley and eating the chocolate frogs before they escape out the window. Not everyone is destined to be the hero. Unsettling but true, I must learn to be happy as a Hufflepuff. At least it isn't as annoying as the sound of my squeaky little voice.