Crying crocodile tears in yoga

"Why don't you ever answer Brenda's questions," grumbled Geri as we limped gingerly to the car after a session of yoga. "Because they're RHETORICAL," I snapped, rubbing my arms.

(Do everyone's arms feel like they weigh 20 pounds each when they hold them in Warrior Pose? Or am I just a complete wimp? Never-mind...don't answer that. It was rhetorical.)

"She is NOT asking rhetorical questions," Geri continued, "She is seeking feedback." I collapsed upon the passenger seat and curled into the fetal position, surreptitiously sipping restorative rum from my "water" bottle. "Well, she wouldn't appreciate my answers so let's just say I'm choosing to be sensitive to the feelings of others," I replied.

Hearing this later, my daughter Sydney nodded. "I've never heard someone whisper the f-word in yoga before," she confessed, "You've made that word your mantra, Mom."

"What do you want me to say, Geri," I growled. "When Brenda asks, 'Doesn't that feel good?'

'No, Brenda...it DOES NOT feel good to be twisted up like a pretzel.'

 'No, Brenda...I CANNOT see my left thumb lifted high into the air as I am stacking my shoulders while bent over into Triangle...all I see are a blur of lights right before I'm about to pass out.'

 'No, Brenda...it DOESN'T feel good to hook my left elbow behind my right knee while balancing (if you could call it that) in the so-called Chair Position.'

Geri nodded slowly. "Crocodile was good though, wasn't it?" We both sighed, wishing that there could be an hour-long class dedicated solely to the Crocodile Pose (see picture). "I didn't want to get out of it," Geri admitted. The rebel in me reacted. "What would Brenda do if we just refused to transition into another move," I asked. We stared at one another. Was there a yoga police? Would our names go on a list? Could you be blackballed from yoga? Could my mat be revoked?

We began our slow ride home, contemplating this radical move. Humming "Crocodile Rock," we put our plan to song:

We thought that yoga would be so much fun
How could we have been just so dumb
Holding our feet back behind our heads
And wishing that we could be struck right dead
But the best move that everyone knows
was a thing called the Crocodile Pose
While the other kids were getting in the groove
We were refusing to leave the Crocodile Move

La lalalala la lalalala la lalalala la

Geri pulled the car in front of my house. Too excited to leave, I turned to her with another inspirational thought. "What about when Brenda chimes her singing bowl, interrupting our meditative trance at the end of class." "Were you meditating," Geri asked, "I fell asleep." "We could stuff material into the bowl next time," I suggested eagerly. "Does that sound good?"  Rolling down her window as she began driving away, Geri laughed and called out, "Was that a rhetorical question?"