Using duct-ape to fix a broken gorilla...April Fool's Day

 I have an established history of April Fool shenanigans:

Evidence A

Evidence B

Evidence C

Evidence D

But coming up with an April Fool's joke this year seemed unnecessary and redundant considering the colossal cosmic-karma-clusterf&@k in which we currently find ourselves.Nevertheless, I persevered...coming up with not one but THREE April Fool's pranks for Brad. We're not really a Valentine-y type of twosome. Brad, not unlike Pavlov's dogs, has learned to equate love with abuse and embarrassment. And this year...I REALLY wanted to express my devotion.

The first prank involved sewing so I should have anticipated that it would immediately go south. The trick is to sew one sock together, preventing the person from successfully pulling it up over his foot. Definitely NOT worth the work. Plus...for some reason, I thought I should turn the sock inside out first which resulted in a wadded-up sock ball when I tried to turn it back out. Brad was NOT impressed. "You couldn't have used one of the thousands of my socks that have holes in them?" he asked, pitching the sock ball in disgust at my head, still nestled into my sleepy-time pillow.

He went to leave for work and then came storming back. "Why do you have the number "3" printed on a postie note on the front door," he demanded. "You'll see," I muttered, flipping my sleepy-time pillow over.

I waited ALL afternoon for the call. The declaration of his discovery. An announcement of his observance. Word-of-mouth of what he'd witnessed. But none came. And this was after SIGNIFICANT effort on my part...in the dark of night...with inadequate supplies...insufficient skill.

This second prank involved attaching a small toy figurine in front of the reverse camera of Brad's van to trick him into thinking a creeper was peering into the lens. So, at 11:30 at night, dressed stealthily in a wine-colored robe, knee-high rubber boots, a knitted creature cap, and my winter coat, I ventured out to the driveway. This, after ransacking the basement looking for the Gorilla tape. Brad DOES NOT trust me around his tools (Not THAT tool, pervert)...there is a lengthy application process to use the hammer, he won't let me use a screwdriver unless I can provide a lengthy dissertation regarding the differences between a flat-head and the other kind of head (Careful there), and he routinely hides the Gorilla tape like a squirrel hides nuts (Get your mind out of the gutter!). So...no Gorilla tape but I did unearth a roll of packaging tape.

Now...what do I use for a figurine? No toy soldiers in THIS house. Considered ripping the baseball guy off Savannah's T-ball trophy but she might want that someday. Wait! I know! A nutcracker!

So with scissors, strapping tape, a nutcracker and a SCUBA diving flashlight, I ventured out to set up my ingenious prank.

NOT.

Number 1. Strapping tape does NOT stick to a cold, wet van no matter how many times you swear or
how many times you tape your fingers together

Number 2:  Even after you ransack Brad's van and FINALLY find his hidden cache of Gorilla tape...it doesn't matter. Gorilla tape, despite all of its magical properties, does NOT stick to a cold, wet van no matter how many times you swear, tape your fingers together, or throw the roll into the yard and have to spend seven minutes searching for it.

Number 3: Sometimes grit is NOT a good thing. One must know when to surrender. I am just NOT that one. Hey, I thought to myself, squatting down to inspect the back-up camera, I think I can loop an unbent paperclip through there. My household inventory revealed something even better: Pipe cleaners! Cities have been built upon the backs of pipe cleaners. Twelve pipe cleaners later, I'd mummified my nutcracker, chipped a nail on the license plate, and wedged my walnut warrior flush against that stupid camera. And it was only 1 am.

And he NEVER EVEN SAW IT. He did notice that his stash of Gorilla tape had been disrupted. He was visibly (and vocally) annoyed when he learned that he'd been driving around all day with a nutcracker on his car.

Prank number three was my finest hour. "I would like to disagree," Brad said dryly. It was also a lesson on how simple is best. I tried covering the sensor on our remote with Scotch tape but it still worked. I tried yellow tape...nope. Still worked. Yup...you guessed it. I tried the Gorilla tape that I'd squirreled away. Nope. Huh. Wait! They say tinfoil blocks the EZ-Pass transmission! Eureka! A layer of tinfoil and yellow tape did the trick. Oh, he's going to notice that right away, I muttered to myself as I wrote "April Fools!" on the strip before leaving to buy groceries.

But he didn't And he couldn't. And he spent twenty minutes checking the batteries...re-setting the TV...Googling possible solutions. What a laugh we shared together when I got home! I'm sure my 4th grade parents will also get a good laugh as I may have suggested that particular prank to some of my students. Who...in the face of a global pandemic...doesn't want to wrestle with their remote?!? By the way, I'm still waiting for the world to finally wake up and yell, "April Fool's!" so that this can all be over. Until then...I will still go about the business of showing Brad Mosiman how much I love him.