Side-tracked by Side-burns

As stated before, I have issues with my bangs. We can even expand that concept out to say that I have trouble with my hair as a whole. I bring it on myself but would PLEASE appreciate someone feeling sorry for me. I will even accept pity at this point.

Forgive me, Hair-Stylist, but it has been two years since my last hair cut.

Sydney and I were watching the Golden Globes (which you KNOW is just a euphemism...Not judging, by the way. If mine were still perpendicular to my body, I'd wear shirts with a neckline down to my naval as well.). Interview after interview, starlets and singers admitted that their "looks" took three to six hours to create. "Well, there's the first problem," I told Sydney as I shoveled potato chips into my mouth. My "look" can take anywhere from three to six minutes to create.

Enough was enough. We made a resolution to get our hair cut. I was first on the chopping block. I came clean immediately. "My bangs are pretty messed up," I admitted. "I'm sure they're not that b-..." my stylist reassured me before smothering a repressed gasp. I gripped the chair handrails in a panic. "No...no...we can fix this," she said, circling around me like I was a bad traffic accident. She wanted to look away but couldn't.

She snipped in silence before quietly asking, "Did you WANT sideburns?"  I jumped. What?!?! NO!?!? "Well, when you cut your bangs (the condemnation in her voice was barely veiled), you gave yourself sideburns." "Cut them off," I pleaded shakily, a boat with barnacles. "That's the problem...you did," she explained as tears filled my eyes. From the waiting area, my daughters were wailing in commisery.  "Women (usually) let their natural sideburns grow out to flow seamlessly with their hair." The final blow fell as she added, "You cut your own sideburns." My girls were now hysterical. How does one prepare their children for that inevitable moment when they learn their mothers have sideburns? There's no Lifetime movie...no Judy Blume book...not even an upbeat Schoolhouse Rock song. Squinting in the mirror, I asked, "How long do I have?" before learning that it'll take three to six months for my sideburns to grow out enough to distinguish me from Wolverine. Meanwhile, Savannah and Sydney were howling. I slunk from the hair stylist's chair with my tail between my legs, my sideburns sadly hugging my face...the metaphorical toilet tissue stuck to a shoe. Only the shoe was my face.

Would someone PLEASE feel sorry for me?