Sun-baked buns

My dream of snorkeling  with turtles was surprisingly different from the reality of snorkeling with turtles.  I envisioned a "Fantasia"-inspired underwater ballet where I somersault comically among my flippered friends. Instead, I was awash in fear as I constantly scanned the shallow seas for serrated-toothed terror.  Implementing "Shark Week" in my classroom prior to this trip was a colossal mistake.  Not only was I well-versed on the predatory habits of several species of sharks, I also conducted a research-based project chronicling the geographical shark attack "hot-spots,"  and here I was set to simmer in the day-old bakery bargain bin.  As time passed, I felt torn.  Not a single shark showed up.  What...wasn't I good enough for them?  Should I be insulted or gratified that I don't even REMOTELY resemble a seal?  I refocused on the dreaded jellyfish. "Maybe you should try focusing on breathing through your snorkel," remarked my husband, observing me inadvertently attempting to snorkel sans snorkel on several occasions.  "Your mother thinks she's Aqua-Woman," Brad told Sydney as I spat out several gallons of salt water, "Help her."  Sydney took my hand and tugged me further into the deep depths of the dangerous ocean.  I saw something lurking, a shadowy presence beneath me..."Squirrel!" I shrieked into my snorkel, scrambling backwards away from the giant turtle who glared menacingly at me from the ocean floor.  I had expected hubcap-sized smiling shelled creatures who would flip me five as they glided by.  Instead, Volkswagen-Beetle beasts scoured the sandy bottom of the sea.  Undaunted, Sydney guided me further along to a small coral reef pulsating with potentially poisonous fish.  I held my breath as I glided over the coral, sucking in my already concave gut to narrowly avoid evisceration.  Finally, it was time for this little mermaid to sprout legs and stand on dry sand.  It was then that I realized that I'd overlooked the most obvious and prevalent danger of all.  Sitting would no longer be an option for me for the next few days as, while my head was on constant vigilance below the surface, my "bobber" was busy keeping me afloat and inadvertently exposed to the deadliest element out there.  Of course I'd applied sun protection.  I had enthusiastically lathered it on my cheeks but not my "cheeks."  I'd narrowly avoided a vicious shark attack, just barely escaped being stung by a jelly fish, skimmed over a coral reef machete without a scratch and managed to not die during my turtle encounter.  I would, however, be forever scarred by this experience.  It was a really big red flag.  Hindsight might be 20/20 but my near-sighted eyes were focused on an immediate future fraught with danger. It was NOT a happy ending.