Chitty-chitty bangs bangs: My first week of school did not go off with a "bang"

I am going on record to say that this has been my worst first-week-of-school EVER! Not because of my work environment. I work at the most amazing school in the world with the hardest-working, most caring and positive people in the world. It's not because of the children. They have been precociously adorable. And it's not because of a lack of home support. The transition from middle school to elementary DID NOT prepare me for the onslaught of presents ranging from collected sea shells to home-made jam to hand-picked gourds to flowers, candy, Twinkies and Pepsi. Oh, I left out the penny flattened by a train! No. My worst first-week-of-school is in direct proportion to my hair; my bangs specifically. Obviously, I am not a high maintenance kind of gal when it comes to my physical appearance. I thought Brad was going to cry in Kohl's when I squealed in delight before a display of elastic-waist dress pants (no, that is not an oxymoron). I committed a felony-level fashion faux pas when I confused Vera Wang and Vera Bradley the other day. I famously and ignorantly wore a homemade wooden bead necklace strung on fishing line that attractively spelled out "Mrs. Mosiman" to either a Sophia Lee or Lia Sophia party. I will reluctantly re-pierce my ears if a student makes me earrings as a holiday gift. While I may not pay a great deal of attention to my overall personal appearance, I do like my hair to look somewhat presentable and this week has been nothing less that a nightmare.

My friend Sarah changed my life several years when she introduced me to a hair flattener. My bangs have been semi-fabulous ever since. I made the unfortunate decision to trim my own bangs the week prior to school. I was feeling somewhat confident about it until I went to lunch with Sarah whereupon she set about undermining my self-esteem and crushing my spirit. As she pulled the chair up to our table, she glanced at me, did a double-take and then tilted her head to squint at my hair. She sighed. "You cut your bangs yourself, didn't you," she said accusingly. I raised my hand to shield my bangs from view and she softened a bit. "They're not awful," she comforted, "just wispy." Apparently "wispy" is synonymous with "Hulk hair." The count-down to school was on and I went into full-frontal-hair-attack mode. I gel-ed, I moussed, I blew-dried, air-dried, towel-dried, curled and cried.

So it was, that on the morning of the first day of school, I awoke with a desperate prayer in my heart. Surely Jesus didn't have anything better to do at 5:45am EST than to perform a small miracle on my wayward bangs. Well, apparently the ka-zillions of teen-agers with end-of-nose pimples out-prayed me that morning. Or perhaps my Lord and Savior thought my cardboard bangs were character-building. I thought about trying to convert a bridal veil into everyday wear but the school handbook dictates no hats, sunglasses or wedding accessories. I attacked my unruly hair with the flattener, determined to scorch it into submission. By the time I was through, it was the texture of corn husks.

On day three, I had an epiphany as I stood before the mirror, threatening to set my bangs on fire. My expertise with a hair straightener is limited and I am always excited to learn new techniques. For instance, several months ago, I discovered that there is a "top" and a "bottom" to this hair styling tool! I had been using both sides interchangeably with varying results. The morning of my revelation, I noticed something unusual about my flattener. I could touch one of the inner plates without instantly melting my skin. My flattener was faulty! Could this have been the source of my troubles? Maybe my bangs weren't as atrocious as I feared (somewhere out there, I can sense Sarah rolling her eyes). Top of my "to-do" list for this week-end (right behind "sleep for fifteen consecutive hours unless there's a "How I Met Your Mother" marathon on") is to "purchase a high-quality flattener with a rock-solid money-back guarantee. Next week will be much better, God willing.